CyclingSite Logo  
Stories & Humor
 
 

 

 

  CyclingSite > Stories & Humor > Humor
               
    Humor  
       
    The past assistant director of road safety for Britain's Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents, George Large, commented on automobiles. " If the car was invented today it would be banned. You would never be allow to sell something which would kill and injure a third of a million people every year in this country alone."

Cycle Nu

Convert to Kilometers per hour. They're faster (just ask NASA)

Ken Kahn

Yesssss!!! Ken understands what we Canadians figured out years ago, eh! I don't ride 100 in a day, I ride 160. My top speed isn't 54, its 87 and my average speed isn't 18, its 27.

All you have to do is move north of the 49th and you too can be very very fast. (There's your answer, Jason) ; )

Steve "He's fast, he's metric" Heim

"I still live my life in the fast lane.........I just get run over a lot more often now."

Cycle Nu

Ear plugs don't work in my ears, so I have a different approach: I got the new extra thick Thermarest, (it's like being in bed at home) and if that's not enough, maybe 1/4-1/2 Benadryl tab does it.

Amy Ream

Amy, congratulations! I've yet to manage to get the extra thick Thermarest in my ears. The best I've managed was the 1/2" 3/4 length mattress and that was a struggle. The Benadryl tabs might work but there's not much sound absorption to them is there?

Steve "Beans in my ears" Heim

Steve, point well taken. The grammar police have just left me bruised and battered, but I think I'll recover in time to ride.

Amy-help, my participle is dangling-Ream

Have you tried duct tape?

Richard Rodriguez

Yeah, but it's hard to get it over the mouths and noses of everyone around me without a hell of a struggle.

Scott Saulsbury

Personally, I find that a glass or two of beer tastes a lot better!

Actually, the first night is generally the only one on which I have any difficulty falling asleep. It's partly the noise, partly the unfamiliar surroundings, and partly the anticipation. After that, I'm so tired by the end of the day, that the only difficulty that I have is staying awake, not falling asleep.

Andrew "fresh air and exercise" Black

I'm with you there Andrew! After the first day of cycling, I have NO trouble sleeping! Even with all the cows in the herd mooing.....

Wendi Thornton

Back to Top

You Might Be A Bike Weenie If...

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"

You have stopped even trying to explain to your husband why you need two bikes...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.

You buy your crutches instead of renting.

You convert your car's brake & gas pedals to clipless.

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your gunboat sneakers.

You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wallspace is taken up by the bike.

You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.

Biker chick means black spandex, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.

"Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.

You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young woman ride by, and the first thing you check out is her bicycle.

You empathize with the roadkill.

Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll skim weight by buying titanium components

You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.

Your mud guards are made out of milk jugs.

Your current bike is older than your college children.

Your bike bag consists of an outdated Power Bar, one tire lever, a questionable patch kit, a run-over spoke wrench, an all-in-one, a rusty allen wrench, change with god knows what stuck on it, a couple of tubes without a clue which one has a hole, and that peanut butter sandwich you swore you brought on the ride two weeks ago, all tucked into a bag the size of your fist.

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

You yell "On Your Left!" when passing another car.

You yell "Hole!" when you see a pothole while driving your car.

Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.

You wear your riding gloves when driving your car.

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

You wear Charles River Wheelmen T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts.

Your bikes are worth more than your car.

You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit .

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.

You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside. (Tom Weaver)

You use the Yakima or Thule Fit catalog to pick your next new car instead of Consumer Reports.

You start yelling at cars to "hold your line."

You're comfortable bumping elbows with step vans.

You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.

You clean your bike(s) more often then your car.

You install bike mounts in the back of your van or pickup truck.

You're on the Board of Directors for a Bike Club.

You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.

You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.

You mount a $600 cap, on a $1,000 pickup truck, so your $3,000 bike doesn't get wet.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).

You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your buddies at 5:30 AM for a hammerfest.

You can tell your wife, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.

You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.

Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.

You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.

When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.

Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.

You know your Bike Nashbar customer number by heart.

You have a four digit Bike Nashbar customer number.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...

Barb Bergin

Back to Top

... the "art" in your office consists of jersey numbers from 10-years-ago cycling events.

... the magazine basket in your guest bath is full of Velo News and Bicycling.

... you give out custom-printed water bottles as your wedding favors.

... you've run out of drawer space for event t-shirts, but every time you try to turn the oldest ones into rags you get lost in reminiscing.

The Other Amy

Corollaries to Murphy's Law as applied to travel -

1. The first 90% of the packing (shopping) for the trip takes 90% of the time, the other 10% of the packing (shopping) for the trip takes the other 90%.

2. There will always be a couple of items you already own that you cannot find and cause you to institute a major search of the house. You finally give up and buy replacements at the last minute. You will come across these items while unpacking after the trip.

3. All items you still need to buy the day before a trip are only available at separate stores spread out around town.

4. There is always something you forgot and stop on the way out of town to get.

A. There is always something you forgot and remember a few minutes after stopping on the way out of town for the last forgotten item.

Anybody have any more....?

Rox Heath

2a. ("Bonus" rule) While looking for the unfindable items, you may re-discover other, unrelated items you thought were gone forever. Example: While looking for some obscure item that makes up the final 10% of stuff to be packed, I came across the checkbook I "lost" while on a trip to Hood River last March. Also, ransacking my camera case for camera instructions, I found my address book a _year_ after I lost it, in a small pocket of the case. A bonus indeed, although I have yet to find the camera instructions.

Jeanne Gostnell

A Californian missionary who had spent years showing Oregonians how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the Oregonians was how to speak English, so he takes the Oregonian leader and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The man looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the Oregonian looks and grunts, "Rock."

The leader is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple "doing the nasty". The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."

The Oregonian looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the Oregonians that he has spent years teaching the Oregonians how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The man replied, "My bike."

OnThaBeach

Pedro worked as a customs official at the border crossing to the US, Juan was a known thief, so when he showed up at the border on a bicycle with several burlap bags hanging over his shoulders Pedro just knew he was up to something.

Pedro had Juan searched from head to toe and the contents of the bags dumped out. The bags turned out to be full of sand and nothing else and Juan had no suspicious belongings so he was free to go about his business.

Juan began showing up on his bicycle everyday, the drill was the same, just bags of sand and no contraband. One night at the cantina Pedro saw Juan over in the corner and walked over. "I just know you are smuggling something across the border but cannot find for the life of me what it is".

Juan smiled and said "bicycles".

Don "It may have lost some in the translation" Bolton

Here's a true story which was brought to mind by the one and only Don (Pedro and Juan story) Bolton:

My younger brother is an avid cyclist in San Diego and just happens to also be a judge in the South Bay Judicial District, a few miles north of the land of Pedro and Juan. One night my brother left his rather expensive bike in the back of his van, which he left parked outside, locked up. Well, like a thief in the night, someone managed to take the bike and run, er ride, off with it. This bike has a beautiful custom paint job and across the top tube is little brother's first and last name written in cursive.

In the morning when he realized his loss he immediately reported the theft to the police. Three days later the joker rode up beside a police car at a traffic light. There were two officers in the car and the one driving saw the name on the bike, told the rider to pull across the street and pull over to the curb when the light turned green. When they got the guy and told him that he was riding a bike belonging to a judge he knew he was in deep doo-doo. The bike was returned to its rightful owner, who could not preside over the case of the stolen bike for obvious reasons. Actually, the perpetrator was wanted on a narc charge and his case went to a different judge anyway.

The moral of the story is: don't steal a judge's bike.

The happy ending is: the bike was in good repair, having sustained no damage.

Penny (lucky to live in Colorado) Overdier

Back to Top

It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in.

"I'm an Inter- state highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road."

He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.

A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer.

The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.

After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer.

The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?"

The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.

After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly.

The bartender was shocked.

After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"

The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."

Amy Buondonno

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************************************

Devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. Cyclist asks if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says sure let me show you, and leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine. This is great the cyclist says. You will love it here says Peter. You will be fitted a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is always available. As they speak a blur flies by them on the boards riding a gold platted Cinelli and the cyclist says Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck. No says Peter that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy.

*****************************************

A group of racers is out for a Saturday morning training ride and come up on a man riding a tandem alone. They slow up a little and one of the racers ask, "Isn't that hard work pedaling that tandem all alone?"

The older man replies, "Yes it is, but my late wife and I have ridden our tandem every Saturday morning for the last 14 years and this is how I keep her memory alive."

Another rider comments, "Well that's very noble, but certainly your wife would have wanted you to share your mutual love of cycling with someone else after her death."

The widower answers, "You're right, we did discuss this before her death and she said that if she died I should continue to ride and take along one of our friends from our bike club."

"So you couldn't find any of your friends to ride with you this morning?"

With little quiver in his voice the widower says, "No, they are all at the funeral this morning."

********************************************

Two Dutch women are cycling into town to do some shopping. Since it’s a really rare nice day (being Holland), one of the women suggests they take a longer, more scenic route over some old cobbled lanes. After a few kilometers, one of the women says "Oh my, this is really nice. I've never come this way before!." In reply, the other woman says "Yeah, its the cobblestones."

Amy Ream

Mother Superior is sitting quietly in the convent garden when her prayers are interrupted by a heated argument between two nuns. She listens for a few minutes, but when it becomes apparent that they won't come to their own solution she closes her book and walks over to them.

I've heard enough!" she snaps. "Sister Mary, you may have the bicycle Tuesday and Thursday mornings from nine to noon. Sister Catherine, you may have the bicycle Monday and Wednesday afternoons from one to four. Now not another word or I'll put the seat back on!"

The Other Amy

Back to Top

A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were. When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.

They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"

The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."

Amy Buondonno

I thought you TBBers would appreciate some bovine humor...

Do you know why they are called udders? When you are about to milk the cow, first you grab one, then you grab the udder one... - Bo R.

Deep Cow Thoughts: If you tell a cow a joke, and she finds it funny... Will milk come out her nose? - Slatorious

Seen on a Bumper Sticker: "Montana - At least our cows are sane!"

Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine. - Erland G.

Q. Why were the cows mad at their farmer?
A. He had no consideration for the feelings of udders.
- Lori M.

What do get from a cow with no back legs? Dragon Milk.
What do you get from a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The following answers were given to the questions on the claim form:
* What warning was given by you?
Horn
* What warning was given by the other party?
Moo

:) Jim Bombardier

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Penny (lucky to live in Colorado) Overdier

Nice tries. Nanette is the winner with "spoiled milk." Best choice is Richard's filet mignon, though, I'll drink (and NOT spoiled milk!) to that!

Happy trails,
Penny (lucky to live in Colorado) Overdier

What We Are

Not that I need a label
but accept this if you're able,
If bikes is what we are
then trikes is what we wuz.

Steve "Ergo Next Stage: Unicycle" Heim

Back to Top

and Tandems is the "couples" stage

David Graham

This explains a lot about why we are prone to falling when we get older :-)

Evolution of the spokeaped

Don "I pedal therefore I am" Bolton

This is not for the easily offended:

"A cow from Iowa"

There was this farmer from Minnesota, and he is going to Iowa to buy a cow on a sale. He gets to Iowa and buys the nicest looking cow there, and takes it home. As he milks it the first time, he grabs ahold of the teats and the cow farts. The farmer thinks to himself how strange that was, and begins again. As he grabs ahold again to continue, the cow farts again. At this time the farmer’s neighbor walks into the barn, sees the new cow, and asks if he can milk it? The farmer replies with a yes, and the neighbor grabs ahold, and the cow farts again. The neighbor looked at the farmer, and asked him if he had bought the cow in Iowa?

The farmer said "Yes, but I never told you that!" The neighbor said, "You didn't have to, my wife is from Iowa.""

Igor…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a moment and replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Suggested packing list (with kimono of course) for next year-

Gin
Vodka
Vermouth
Lemon
Martini Glasses
Toothpicks
Olives
Cheese & Crackers
Nuts
and, oh yeah
Who brought that unbelievable agave tequila??

Ken Kahn

"AND" - - Bloody Mary Mix for the next morning ! Ahh, these Laid Back Balmers:

So as not to let anyone down (though my own ego is shriveling by yards in this discussion), I have added a silk (or reasonable facsimile thereof) kimono to next year's packing list (assuming I can find one in a 46 XX long).

Ken "can I put this on my Nordstroms card?" Kahn

Add to that Cheerios, strained peaches, and a sippy cup and Team Tangerine Dream will be all set!

The Other Amy

 
       
           
             
       
    Back to Top  
                 
  Page Last Updated: Jan. 20, 2003  
    CyclingSite > Stories & Humor > Humor  

Copyright 2003, Artist's Touch or by original content developer.

CyclingSite Home Page General Info Photo Album Lists & Articles CO at a Glance CO Collected Wisdom CO History Bike Rides Stories & Humor Guest Book Stories & Humor Home Page Back Up Next Site Map Addition to the CF Birthday Rides Confessions of a BJ Don's Wheels Humbled... The Orange Bike Steve's Helmet TBB Theology True Ore. Roadbike Two Wheels in a Fog Short Stories Humor